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Though egregious examples abound, much legal
writing is not terrible. But it can easily be
improved. Let's take this example:
* Before
On April 26, 2001,
claimant-appellant, Howard Ward, injured his
right knee in the course of and arising from his
employment with appellee Coin Co., a
self-insured employer. Coin certified the claim
for "right knee sprain" but refused to
certify the conditions of medial meniscus tear
and chondromalacia of the right knee. On Nov.
28, 2001, a district hearing officer allowed the
knee sprain but disallowed the latter conditions
"by direct causation or aggravation."
The order was affirmed by a staff hearing
officer on Aug. 16, 2001, and further appeal was
refused by the Industrial Commission.
Ward appealed to the Bovine
County Court of Common Pleas pursuant to R.C.
4123.512. In his complaint, Ward sought to
participate in the Workers' Compensation Fund
for medial meniscus tear and chondromalacia of
the right knee. However, a month before the
scheduled trial date of June 12, 2003, Ward
filed a motion to amend the complaint to add the
conditions of aggravation of preexisting
degenerative joint disease and aggravation of
preexisting osteoarthritis. The trial court
granted the motion over Coin's objection and
rescheduled the trial for Sept. 25, 2003. Ward
then dismissed his chondromalacia claim, and the
cause proceeded to trial by jury on the
remaining claims.
None of us would be surprised
to see these two paragraphs in the middle of a
brief or opinion. But look at this revision:
* After
Appellant Howard Ward injured
his knee while working for appellee Coin Co., a
self-insured employer. Coin certified the claim
for "right knee sprain" but refused to
certify the conditions of medial meniscus tear
and chondromalacia of the right knee. A district
hearing officer allowed the knee sprain but
disallowed the latter conditions "by direct
causation or aggravation." A staff hearing
officer affirmed the order. The Industrial
Commission refused further appeal.
Ward appealed to the Bovine
County Common Pleas Court.1 He sought to
participate in the Workers' Compensation Fund
for medial meniscus tear and chondromalacia of
the right knee. A month before the scheduled
trial date, Ward moved to amend his complaint to
add the conditions of aggravation of preexisting
degenerative joint disease and aggravation of
preexisting osteoarthritis. The trial court
granted the motion over Coin's objection. Ward
then dismissed his chondromalacia claim. The
case was tried by a jury on the remaining
claims.
The Fix
The length has been cut from
202 words to 154, a 24 percent reduction. This
was done by (1) taking out non-essential dates -
remember that when you put in an exact date you
are signaling to the reader that the exact date
is important, although few are; (2) taking out
legalisms such as in the course of and
arising from - this was not even an issue in
the case; (3) shortening the sentences; (4)
making the passive voice active; and (5) taking
the jumble of letters and numbers out of the
paragraph by using footnotes.
While we might differ over
some of the changes - for instance the last two
sentences could easily be one - I think we would
all agree that the second version is much better
than the first.
All of the changes decrease
clutter and increase readability. Because of the
medical terms, the readability score can never
go very high for this piece. But it did go from
25 to 38, a 52 percent increase. And the words
per sentence went from 22 to 15. The grade level
made the most difference - from grade 14.3
(mid-college) to 10.7 (mid-high school) on the
Flesch readability ease score.
[1] See R.C. 4123.512
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