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March 10, 2008

By Judge Mark P. Painter

We often run across confusing writing. And it's not only legal writing—there is plenty of mediocre writing out there.  Recently I saw two sentences in a local "newspaper" that cried out for improvement.

The county is taking soil samples needed in order for it to finish its design of the county-built parking garage, which will serve as the platform to raise the rest of the development out of the flood plain.

This sentence of 38 words tested at grade level 15.7, with a readability score of 50.3 (on a 100-point scale). Spellcheck will give you these figures.

Surely it could be improved. The sentence is much too long. Here's my first try:

The county is taking soil samples needed in order for it to finish its design of the county-built parking garage, which will serve as the platform to raise the rest of the development out of the flood plain.

Or this:

The county is taking soil samples needed to finish its design of the county-built parking garage, which will raise the rest of the development out of the flood plain.

You can always delete "in order." With nine words subtracted, the scores are 12.8 and 54.9—an improvement, but 12th grade is too high for a general newspaper. Remember, only 17 percent of Americans read at 12th-grade level or above. So we have to do better. Since sentence length is the first component of readability, let's split the sentence.

The county is taking soil samples needed to finish its design of the county-built parking garage. The garage will raise the rest of the development out of the flood plain.

Now we are at grade 7.6, a democratic number, and 67.5, which is acceptable. Here's the next sentence:

Once the garage is built, the developers will begin building the first phase of the Banks, a proposed neighborhood with housing, office, retail/entertainment and a park located between the Great American Ball Park and Paul Brown Stadium.

This sentence is even worse than the first, scoring a grade level of 18.3:  doctoral! The readability score is 29.8. Of course the sentence is too long – 37 words. And the writer is trying to cram too much information in one sentence. And why the slash?  Avoid slashes. Here's the first try:

Once the garage is built, the developers will begin building the first phase of the Banks. The Banks—to be built between the Great American Ball Park and Paul Brown Stadium—is a proposed neighborhood with housing, office, retail, entertainment, and recreation components.

Making two sentences helps, now it's at grade 11.5—almost high-school graduate rather than college—but it still needs work. Here are two versions:

Once the garage is built, the developers will begin the first phase of the Banks. The Banks is a proposed neighborhood with housing, office, retail, entertainment, and recreation components. It will be built between the Great American Ball Park and Paul Brown Stadium.

Or

The Banks is a proposed neighborhood with housing, office, retail, entertainment, and recreation components. It will be built between the Great American Ball Park and Paul Brown Stadium. Once the garage is built, the developers will begin the first phase.

Both are grade 8.5 and about level 60 readability.  I think the second one fits the article better.

It's not too difficult to fix writing. It just takes time, and we don't always have that luxury. So we need to form good writing habits. Get it right in your first draft by using shorter sentences, fewer passive sentences, and ordinary words. 

Readability

I usually show the readability scores for the column.  But they are all in the article this time.

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Mark Painter has served as a judge on the Ohio First District Court of Appeals for 13 years, after 13 years on the Hamilton County Municipal Court.  Judge Painter is the author of 365 nationally published decisions, 120 legal articles, and six books, including The Legal Writer: 40 Rules for the Art of Legal Writing, which is available at http://store.cincybooks.com.  Judge Painter has given dozens of seminars on legal writing.  Contact him through his website, www.judgepainter.org.